Note#5 – A Real Stream of Consciousness

Context:

Remember, when you were younger, how you had Silent Sustained Reading time? I sat at my desk this evening reminiscing on this for some reason as I was thinking about what my next blog post should be. At various points in my academic career as early as elementary school, I can recall being asked to dedicate a few minutes to write with a steady stream of consciousness. Simply write. We would eventually share our streams of consciousness to form what i thought was a deceptively deep river of what i would classify as “filtered self-conscious free writes.” I usually find that no one follows the rules of our assignment to its fullest, as I see a strike-through and other edits before sharing time.

It’s in our nature to be self-conscious of be concerned about what others may think about us, however,  I find it really hard to believe that everyone thinks about Edgar Allan Poe and the nirvana of nature during a 7:00 a.m. class. Especially, without any grammar mistakes. Most people think about coffee and whether or not it was a good idea to even come to class that day to be quite honest.

By definition, a stream of consciousness is a literary style in which a character’s thoughts, feelings, and reactions are depicted in a continuous flow uninterrupted by objective description or conventional dialogue.

That being said below is a real stream of consciousness piece I just wrote and posted for a short time in my room. This stream of consciousness is unfiltered, original, raw, fresh – the way it should always be. Keep in mind it is flowing freely from the perspective of a highly-educated 20 something-year-old millennial during a time of being sleep deprived for the past few days due to work, responsibilities, and finals week Enjoy.

Here’s the Note:

Note: Read the context.

Dear me,

Oh dear me. This cannot be, all of what life must be.

The birds sing, but my voice is cracking.

That was random. I was on a roll there, but what’s the point of being poetic besides creating beauty. Like, what is the real significance? Poetry can’t put money in my pockets. It can’t feed me. It can’t open any doors worth walking through? So why do it? Why do we care? Why should we care? Because it makes us feel good?

Slow clap to Edgar Allan Poe. Good job bro, you’re creative. Why are we spending an hour and half each week still talking about poets who were celebrities in the 17th and 18th century, when they’re broke in the current century? Sure, were English majors and we enjoy writing. Sure, I can admit I got respect for their talent and can admire it. But, i’m not here to be entertained. I paid $456 for this course out of my own pocket as a sacrificial investment for my future. For my family’s future. Not for a 36-week show.

Oh a semester is not 36 weeks? Slow clap for you for pointing out something so insignificant. I don’t know why i sound so irritated, but I know i’m not the only one. Not the only one expecting to better themselves through education – desperately. The education system swallowed me and spat me out. It set me up. At least, that’s how I feel at this moment. For now.

Does education only work for those who major in STEM (Science Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics)? Or is there room for me to explore? If so, how long should i explore and reap no results? How many more A’s, high G.P.As, degrees, certificates, essays, Dean’s lists, honor rolls, and money to finally be successful? Please don’t put the blame on me (the student) – that would be the easy way out. I know my part in this. I’m just looking for help. I’m not afraid of the work – I’ve done it and continue to do it successfully. I’ve done everything they said. I’ve dedicated all of my time, energy, and money to it. The real question is what happens afterwards?

What happens when the courses are over? What happens when I cross that stage for the third time and receive another meaningless piece of paper? Do teacher office hours end after the semester does? What if career-centers just waste your time? Where do I learn soft-skills? How can i prove to my employers and coworkers that I’m just a hard worker who can deliver real results and can make a real impact, rather than be labeled as an awkward butterfly who doesn’t “fit in”?

I smile everyday, and am loyal to my craft. I educate myself, work, and repeat. “Insanity.”as Einstein said, is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” But, i haven’t been taught anything else. I don’t know how to talk to people and magically have the, give me a job (like other unqualified people do). I just want to help my family and want to do a good job. Why am I not good enough? I’ve proven I am. If my education and skills are valuable, why don’t I see it? Is it safe to say that perhaps some of us don’t know the next steps? Is it safe to assume that perhaps it’s not a question of willingness, but a lack of knowledge on the source and tactics of upward development? Is it safe to say that some of us don’t have parents or mentors to guide us – who have any idea of what were going through as first-generation college students? Some of us are poor. Some us have had different experiences and treatments in the work world than others that simply cannot be completely understood with just words. Most of us would rather finish something one time, rather than get cross-sold to start all over again.

Maybe college can’t help me. Maybe work-experiences are just tests that cannot be prepared for. Maybe I should just keep failing, despite “succeeding”, and learn the hard way. Or maybe I should just continue the family tradition of giving up on my dreams, and pick up a labor-intensive job that provides a house for my children so that they may hopefully get it right rather than get influenced by the folly that surrounds the neighborhood we end up in. The cycle continues?

If i have nothing at all, at least i’ll have a voice right? What’s a voice worth? Brief fame? Remembrance in history? Meaningless compliments? Sympathy? Will this blog post be studied by a private school instructor? Tell me how that helps me (the customer, the student, the creator, the writer, the philosopher). Shall I get my Ph.d and be homeless? 

All this to say, I don’t blame education. I don’t blame anything or anyone.

The only one responsible for our success are ourselves.

I’m just a kid who skipped a grade, worked hard, developed skills, and had nothing to show for it. I’m still learning, but it’s a different type of education – one that I’m obviously not used to called life.

When i overcome it, I will be grateful for all of the above – at least that’s what people say. I’ll believe it, when I experience it.

This is pretty sad. Melancholy a popular theme of Edgar Allan Poe. I don’t know why i’m referring to Edgar Allan Poe so much. I always found that guy overrated for some reason. I haven’t taken an English class in five years. I received a lot of awards in English and even poetry slams, but you probably couldn’t tell with this blog post.

I’m just going to wrap this up. I can see why most people edit these free writes. This stream of consciousness stuff gets real – it’s kind of funny.

Remember, a wise man once said, “If we didn’t laugh, we’d be crying.”

-END-

Note: Don’t attempt to try to understand the why, there’s simply not enough context. It’s a stream of consciousness from someone who lives in the context and understands. Instead I’d rather suggest you view the above piece as a literary work. 

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3 thoughts on “Note#5 – A Real Stream of Consciousness

  1. Most of the time people spend three or more years in college studying their major or certificate and by the time they finish most of the skills and knowledge that you acquire during those years have less effect in the workplace since technology always change and new skills are needed. Also most jobs required people to have so many years of experience, how could a graduate have those years if he/she just finish his/her education. What’s next? Going back to school and learn the new skills or use the knowledge that you have and keep learning from outside resources how to perform a better job. cs5711

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  2. I think it’s great that you are acknowledging the “ifs” part of college (and concerned about the future and how to get to where you want to be). I have been there myself many many times. I have my goals in life (especially my one major goal of being a working artist and making satisfying living from my art), and all I can say is that every day, I focus on that goal. Almost everything I do at work, or in my spare time, I figure out how that day’s events fit into my plans, and if not, what I can do about that & better my situation. Maybe I’m not using my graphic design skills solely for myself and for my art yet, but at least I have a good start with a solid future doing basic graphics/marketing work.

    I think it takes a lot of time, strength, and trial for those of us in the “working class” to reach our goals, because we start out with such a huge gap, where we come from and where we want to be. When you’re stuck taking classes and not sure what the outcome will be, I suggest getting into action and try an internship. You’ve probably already thought about that, but just thought I’d share… or try doing temporary or contract jobs (honestly, even minimal office jobs)- that’s the first thing I did, and I gained an understanding about how I do not need to be hugely dependent on one job- after a while, you can pick and choose because you gather experience to move onwards and upwards. đŸ™‚

    Sorry to keep blabbing. Also I noticed your about page you said you’re an INTJ. Me too! Had a test in a psychology class (my other psych. class typed INFJ, so not 100%, but fun assessments though).

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  3. This was an actual stream of consciousness note written in a college class? I take it that you did not write it, but are posting something that was posted in a classroom. I found his/or her stream of thought difficult to follow as it jumped around so much—as minds often do. What I did get was a sense of the writer’s confusion while wondering if a college education was really going to make a difference. I hope this was just a momentary fall into doubt and depression. I can’t say I found the read enjoyable because the person writing seemed so unhappy. CS5711

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